Authentic communications
In this episode, we talk with Gabe DeRita, an expert in authentic communication and coaching. The episode delves into the principles of emotional intelligence, authenticity in communication, and the practices that foster effective relationships in both personal and organisational contexts. This blog post will break down the key insights and actionable advice shared during the episode, providing a comprehensive guide to mastering authentic communication.
Introduction to Authentic Relating
What is Authentic Relating?
Authentic relating is the art of creating genuine connections by being fully present and attuned to others. It involves a set of practices that help individuals communicate more effectively and build deeper relationships. Gabe, who has extensive experience in coaching and leadership development, emphasises that these practices are not just for professional settings but are essential life skills.
The Origin of the Principles
The principles discussed in the episode are derived from “open source social technology,” a concept introduced by the Art Institute of Authentic Relating Training International. These practices are distilled from over 30 years of behavioural science research and the work of pioneers like Susan Campbell and Ken Wilber. The beauty of these principles lies in their simplicity and accessibility, making them easy to grasp and implement.
The Five Principles of Authentic Communications and Authentic Relating
1. Welcome Everything
Definition: Welcoming everything means being present with your experiences without being overwhelmed by them. It’s about observing your emotions and reactions without letting them control you.
Actionable Advice:
- Practice Equanimity: In moments of emotional turmoil, take a step back and observe your feelings without judgment. This practice, often referred to as equanimity in meditation, helps maintain a balanced response.
- Create a Safe Space: Ensure that you and others feel safe to express emotions without fear of judgment or reactivity. This foundational skill is crucial for authentic communication.
2. Assume Nothing
Definition: This principle involves recognising and setting aside your judgments and assumptions to see situations as they truly are.
Actionable Advice:
- Notice and Name Assumptions: When you catch yourself making assumptions, acknowledge them and set them aside. This helps you approach interactions with a fresh perspective.
- Use the “Left-Hand Column” Technique: Write down all the assumptions you or the other person might be making in a conversation. This exercise can reveal underlying tensions and help you address them constructively.
3. Reveal Your Experience
Definition: Revealing your experience means being honest with yourself and others about what’s happening internally. It’s about sharing your feelings and needs without engaging in the “vulnerability Olympics.”
Actionable Advice:
- Develop Emotional Vocabulary: Learn to articulate your feelings and needs clearly. This helps in expressing yourself without judgment or blame.
- Practice Introspection: Regularly check in with yourself to understand your triggers, needs, and emotional states. This self-awareness is key to authentic communication.
4. Own Your Experience
Definition: Owning your experience means taking responsibility for your reactions and responses rather than blaming others.
Actionable Advice:
- Reframe Your Language: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when you cut me off.” This shifts the focus from blame to understanding.
- Reflect on Your Reactions: After a conversation, take a moment to reflect on your responses. Were they constructive? How could you have expressed yourself better?
5. Honour Self and Other
Definition: This principle is about recognising and respecting both your needs and the needs of others. It’s about creating a relational space where both parties feel heard and respected.
Actionable Advice:
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage dialogue by asking questions like, “What do you need?” and “How can we find common ground?”
- Practice Active Listening: Show that you value the other person’s perspective by listening attentively and responding thoughtfully.
Developing Authentic Relating Skills
Starting Point for Growth
Gabe advises listeners to identify their “growth edge”—the area where they feel they could improve the most. By starting with the practice that feels most impactful, individuals can gradually integrate all practices into their interactions.
Practical Steps for Improvement
- Slow Down: In moments of tension or strong emotional reactions, take a moment to breathe and assess the situation.
- Be Intentional: Consider how you want to show up in your interactions and choose a starting point for practice.
- Notice Patterns: Pay attention to recurring triggers and assumptions in your communication.
- Seek Support: Engage with a coach, mentor, or trusted friend to explore these practices together.
The Role of Community
Gabe mentions the value of joining online groups, such as those offered by the Connection Institute, where individuals can practice authentic relating in a supportive environment. However, the most crucial aspect is the intention to improve how one relates to others.
Life Skills Beyond the Workplace
Craig and Gabe agree that the skills discussed are not just vocational but are essential life skills that can enhance all areas of life. Authentic relating fosters deeper connections and understanding, benefiting both personal and professional relationships.
Final Thoughts: Mastering authentic communication is a journey that begins with intention and self-awareness. By practising the principles of welcoming everything, assuming nothing, revealing your experience, owning your experience, and honouring self and other, you can create more meaningful and impactful relationships in all areas of your life.
Guest profile
In 2018, Gabriel DeRita quit his tech job, sold everything, and travelled the world solo for 18 months, half of it living entirely on his bicycle. This around-the-world cycling trip began with a clear intention to find his calling, and he found it in coaching. Gabe feels gratitude beyond measure for the chance to serve others on their path of transformational growth.
Outside of his coaching work, Gabe’s passions include riding bikes of all kinds, camping, foraging for wild edible mushrooms, working for social/environmental justice, and advocating for the medicinal use of psychedelics for healing and personal growth.
Useful links:
LinkedIn profile: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielderita/
Website: https://www.effectiveconnection.com/
Gabe’s one-pager: https://thebigpicturepeople.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/Gabe-DeritaFoundations-Five-Practices-Of-Authentic-Relating.pdf
Episode links:
Link to a relevant episode of the podcast: https://thebigpicturepeople.co.uk/blog/podcast/empathy-in-communications-s1-e20/